幼い頃 My childhood

4歳下の弟とごく普通の家庭に育った幼少期、出来の良い弟と比べられるのは日常茶飯事だった。勉強もスポーツも、何をやっても簡単に熟す弟、何をやってもパッとしない姉、それが母を含む大人たちの印象だったのだろう。

弟と比べられても、とりえがない、と言われても、怒るわけでも悲しむわけでもなく、ただひたすら生きていた私。でも本当は怒っていたし悲しかったのだろう。そんな感情さえ押し殺し、良い子だった幼少期。
母は厳しかったが毎日美味しい食事を作り、夜遅くまで私のために服を作り、家族のために身を粉にして働くこの完璧な母を、「悪者」にする術は、当時の私にはまるでなかった。出来の悪い娘に向かって「あんたなんか産まなきゃ良かった」という母も、私は何十年も責める事はなかった。その代わりに自分を責めた。「なんで産まれてきちゃったの」心の奥にいつもあったその言葉。

それでも一見平穏だった私の幼少期は、父のおかげだったかもしれない。仕事人だった父もまた厳しい人間だったが、私には甘かった。マイペースだった私は、母に否定されても父の存在で自分自身を肯定しようとしていたのかもしれない、と思う。

父が亡くなったその年、私の過食症との戦いが始まった。

I grew up in a Japanese common family with my  four years younger brother. It was everyday matter being compered with him who were trophy child.

He is the one whom done perfectly with no matter what he tried,sports, study. and I am the one who never been perfect for my parents.

That's How people's feeling including my mom.

Even if I was compered with my brother, even I was said that I was not special,I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad and just lived in my life. but I was angry and sad unconsciously 

i was just killing my all affections and tring to be a good child for my mom.

My mom was very strict and harsh to me,but at the same time she was great mother such as cooking great meal or sewing my dresses and working so heard as a perfect mother. so there was any space that I could  have said she was wrong, even when she said to me " I shouldn't have given birth to you."

I could't blame her untill I realized that something wrong with me, and instead blaming her I had blamed my self " why was I born,why am I alive?" Those questions were always in my mind. so painful..

My father was another strict one. The working person was very kind and sweet to me. That is why even I was denial by my mom, the being of him made me affirmable myself.

It was the year he passed away, I became a bulimic.